Phormant Blog

Rain at night always hits me straight in the heart. I want nothing more than to be close to someone special, someone that strikes fire into my soul with every kiss. Those nervous moments, those strange little moments before your lips meet. Your eyes deep straight into each other but look away quickly. Lightly running fingers through her hair and down her face to pull her closer to you. When those lips touch the earth stops. Nothing else matters in the universe, no other thought is on your mind. Nothing can shatter this moment until you pull away, look at each other and kiss once again. Pressed against each other. Fingers tracing invisible outlines on her skin. Little conversation but lovely compliments of back and forth.The glow from a movie we’re ignoring to light up the beauty on her face. This is what I love to do while it’s raining.

I guess you can say I am homeless. But not living on the streets homeless. Since the breakup I am renegading where I spend my time, relax and sleep. This is where having REAL friends comes into play. Mostly staying with my best friend Zach at his grandmothers (who has a deliciously comfy spare bed by the way) and wherever I can. Through this breakup Zach has really proven himself to be a solid, amazing friend. He always puts me before him, always makes sure I’m comfortable, not hungry and all the other stuff. Though he has sat through countless hours of bitching, emotional downpours and griping. He just listens, offers the best advice he can and makes me feel better. The apartment we want on the second floor will not be ready until the end of the month so I am having a blast staying with and catching up on neglected friendships. My parents is a home base. My army purse holds everything I need along with another (cleanliness) bag I bought all with mini toothpastes,shampoos,deo) you get the point. That is always in my car with 3 sets of clothes.

I feel liberated, I feel free. After work. Whatever happens? Happens. I’ll either have plans or make them as I go along. All of this has been a push to get my shit together. Physically, financially, romantically. But that one. I am just letting the chips fall where they may. With no plans to do anything. I am comfortable doing the fun things. Going to dinner, movies, little road trips, snuggles and exciting adventures. I am a person now that likes to be with someone special. I hate being alone but lately. At times it’s comforting but not for too long. I havnt watched television or have sat and done nothing for a week and it feels grande! The work I do is very active and physically demanding so I am using that along with working out, walking and lifting to get this flabby body into shape. Though I smoke probably more cigeretts I am trying to be a little more healthy. I’ve cut out a lot of BAD things from my routine. I feel good. Everyday is something new and exciting. The age of “yes” I guess you can say. I’ve been praying more and the paths always leed to something good lately. Something positive. I am writing more and drawing alot. I am terribly excited for my new apartment. We are getting all NEW things. My bedroom set is amazing with a queen size platform bed. Zachs huge ambilight flatscreen with surround sound. An amazing Ashley furnature/Ikea living room in a stylish minimalist design. Both of our bedroom are matching in a tremendous black & white color scheme. 2bedroom 2bath 899 sq ft. Fancy kitchen electronics. It’s a great feeling to finally be a grown up. Though I do have many support systems I am doing all of this on my own. Tonight I am house sitting for a friend with some very late amazingness. I am going to pick up my photography again soon but as for everything going on. I barely have time to eat. The stuffed animal that was in my incubator at the moment travels with me to any bed I sleep in creating a great sense of comfort. My life seems like it is begining again and there are many great things ahead of me. Perhaps a nice trip to New York for my birthday. Or apparently zach and I are going to Vegas for some weird reason. I’ve never been so… YES!

So avoiding social networking sites to write my banterings. This is the reason for having my own personal blog on my own personal website. It’s not in anyones faces to read so don’t read if you don’t want to read. Breakups are never easy for either side. The one breaking it and the one getting broken up with. Though it does hold true. The person initiating and following through with the break up always remembers the bad times, the fights, the arguing and the reason for breaking up. While the other getting broken up with. Remembers the begining and all of the good times. I could not compromise happiness any longer with a huge weight of stagnation and an undeniable lack of effort to make things work. It’s always difficult after long terms but when the bitterness outweighs the sweet, when the flame is gone and the passion has ended. It’s time to say goodbye. I’m not saying I’m perfect but goddamnit I give my all when I love someone. I was raised in a household if love and affection. That’s what I want with my girlfriend/spouse and eventually my children. There should never be anything that is so pressing to forget to show the person you care about that you love them. For me, love comes first. Everything else is second. People already ask if I am with someone already. And honestly I don’t want to “play the field” I don’t want to go out there and party down and fall into old habits. I am seeing someone and she is the only person I want to spend my time with romantically. Without labels and without plans I intend to have fun with this person because she is as free spirited and open to everything as I am. We’ve been friends for many many years and just agreed that it is time to see where it goes. I was almost killed yesterday by a giant, crashing slab of concrete 5 times the size of me. That near death/serious injury made mr realize that this time I have is so short to be unhappy. Live life, travel and have fun at all opportunity. Share time with those close to you and bask in the warmness of a beautiful girl or boy. I am getting a new apartment with a close friend, I’m getting his wonderful ambilight 47inch TV, my parents helped me get a wonderful bedroom set with a queen size bed and some furnishings from ikea. I plan to get my life in order from here on out. Catch up on bills, pay my debts and really get in shape. I’ve lost 6 pounds on this job already and have been starting my journey to eating better. Except last nights pasta. But traditional date deals call for delicious and ambient mood lighting. I am seeing myself a lot clearer and want to achieve more with this new outlook on life. I want to go out there and mix it up, soak up some Mexican rays. Revisit my childhood in Los Angeles and take a train to New York. I am to become a yes man and this journey is just begining. I’m looking foreward to so much. God has given mr a path and I am following eveything step of the way. Things happen for a reason and people are put in our lives for a reason. Jacob out!

I used to be all about em. I have had 25 in my face at one point and 30 throughout my body. I am covered in Tattooes but. Can’t really get rid of them. I have grown out of the fad. I remember back in the day. When getting your septum pierced was a Huge deal. It was the “scary” piercing and it took me a while to get it done. I started tattooing myself at the age of 14. Great idea!!! My arms are covered in random things that came to a 14 year olds mind and I have many coverups. But the whole piercing fad has just gotten old. It’s played out and everyone but everyone has “mods” Every jock and jocks grandmother have their septum pierced these days. It’s almost shocking to not have piercings. Why I want to rant about it? I havnt a clue. Just sick of it. I have since taken out my 2 1/2 inch plugs and all the piercings in my face and body. But I only want these eyelets.

I recently shot a great model and old friend of mine. Marie Silva. My idea of portraits

You have always been the strongest man alive. You have raised me to be a good man. I wouldn’t be as smart as I am if it wasn’t for you. Your experience and living life has taught me more than you can ever imagine. As a child. You were my best friend. We did everything together. I can count on one hand the time you were actually mad at me. Nothing in this life of mine means more to me than you and my Mamma. I live for the both of you as you have lived for me. Their have been times we were hitting hard times. But you always managed to provide an amazing childhood, an amazing life and I always had a smile on my face. Even though there were times when all we had to eat was eggs & beans for a solid year. You made it fun and interesting. I grew up with the most amazing parents/best friends in the world. I grew up with 2 people than understood what life was about and did their very best in raising me to be the man I am today. You love me despite my mistakes, poor decisions and to this day still provide a great life for me. One day I will get my shit together. I can be honest with you both with everything in my life. to the most embarresing to the some things I am not particularly proud of. I can tell you anything and you understand and provide me the best advice you can. All I have ever wanted to do was make you both proud even though you have never asked for much from me. As a teenager all you asked was to not be brought home by the cops and I am sorry for stabbing a few people in high school. Because of your not so strict upraising I am not a trouble making adult. Though I have gotten away with pretty much everything you have always been there for me. Through heartbreak, depression and many things I have been through. I have the best memories a child could ever hope to have. I love you guys with all my heart and the only thing that depresses me is getting old. Though you guys are in terrific shape and look 10 years younger than you are. My only fear is to watch you get older.

I went out and bought a nice piece. When I dive into drug use. I tend to love to accessorize and buy things I don’t need to make the experience a personalized one. I spend about 45 bucks on a nice red pyrex and case for the pyrex. We smoked the bowl of some great G12 Haze I had. The Body high was intense and We were fucking stoned. America’s funniest videos were the funniest thing we had ever seen. They had a round table with F list celebs including “Coolio” judging the videos. It was an endless punchline that was not funny remotely. And we were high for god sake. The videos themselves were funny. Their roundtable of half ass comedians telling PG rated Jokes was a pure embarrassment. I didn’t laugh once. I spent the majority of the night alone. But I vegged out on the couch watching Jim Carrey in numerous films. It was good times. Great for sleep.

As a lot of people may not know. I am a Christian. In a lot of social circles the very word causes frowns, sighs and bad feelings. I am not preachy nor am I going to tell what you to believe. In my life I have renounced faith, bashed the name of Jesus and spit in the faces of Christians spreading the word of Christ.  a saint walking on earth. Chad Johnson. Ex A&R Rep Solid State Records.Current owner of Come & Live Records. spoke light into my soul. The very face of God shined into my heart and I felt alive. We became great friends and till this day he helps me with guidance. Many people look at those who believe in God as less intelligent, dumb, followers. Well this blog is not to preach. It is for me to reaffirm to myself my faith because lately I have been preoccupied with finding a job, making money, being depressed, getting caught up in the world of woes. When I was closer with Jesus. I was happier. I smiled everyday no matter if I had a job or not and he provided. I am a talented man. Musically, Artistically and I am virtually good at everything I put my mind to. And I have my God to thank for it. Though many will say genetically I am gifted but I myself like to think it came from a watchful father in the heavens. I believe what I believe and I am thankful for my life, my friends and my wonderful wonderful family. I barely see my best friend anymore and God brought us together. I am writing music with him today and I am very excited to do so. Today I am getting closer with Jesus. I recommend reading “The Heavenly Man” By Christian Brother Yun. This man was Beaten, Imprisoned and starved for even saying the Name of Christ in his country. I am very lucky to have the life I have. The things I have and the people I have close to me. That love me and care for me. My friends would die for me. My family would give up anything in their lives for me to be happy. God has given me a wonderful life to be grateful for. And if this blog makes you not like me, think I am unintelligent. Well. You also have a beautiful mind to make your own decisions. That is why there is Free will. God Bless.

In my life. In this spot I am in is beyond what I would of imagined for myself years ago. As a child I would of never guessed. This would be my life. I have been on many travels. From living on the streets of Los Angeles to Now. Always seeming to struggle and paying for the poor decisions I have made throughout all of my life. I have been an artist all my life. Or tried to be at that. It’s in my blood and it always will be. I am excited virtually by anything and everything. I see Art in everything and everyones faces. Being stagnant causes unhappiness for me. To not create music, Photography, Graphic Design, Paint, Write or draw. I am unhappy and unsettled. Though I have seen hard times, been through hard times, lived in dire straights, Been heartbroken and have experimented with everything you can thing of. I have yet to write a proper Manifesto. If I died today? I wouldn’t have accomplished anything I set out to do. By the time I graduate I will most likely already be in my 30’s for which I am turning 27 this year. All of my heroes have died at the same age. And accomplished so much more. I see the world in a different way. I am apart of a doomed generation.

For years I have struggled in my own skin. Uncomfortable with myself enough to fear being alone. Being discontent with loneliness.Drive myself up the wall to the point of suicide. I have to many ideas to think about which counts for my insomnia. I require a lot of attention, too much attention. More than any normal girl could possibly give. which yields me to a state of depression at all times. Not in that emo sort of way. But that creative way. I write poetry but am not a poet. Just like I am not a novelist. Though I am a Photographer and a Musician. That is what I am and that is what I will be for the rest of my life. I will struggle and some may find it hard to be with me. I am always the nicest, sweetest most loving boyfriend in the world. But this has caused me to be heartbroken time and time again.

I swore that if I lost the girl I am with now. I would never date again. I would lose myself in Art and New York City. I would find my creativity to the extent of insanity. But now I will continue to love and be in love and create. Create anything I can get my hands on. I am in a spot right now. A bad one. But everything always gets better.

As I posted in a Blog earlier. I am handpainting Acrylic toys. Munny, Miao and Dyiqee. Since I am an unknown artist I am selling my little pieces of Art here on Phormant.com I will post each one I complete. If anyone is interested in one. Please e mail me and we will work out a price. If you have any requests. I can most likely get it done. Enjoy!